weird thoughts

as i drove back to lincoln from omaha this morning, i couldn't stop thinking about my dad. i stopped at mcdonalds before coming back to my apartment; greasy food always helps a hangover. :) i got back to my apartment, and i wondered what he's doing. my family's 1000 miles away on Easter Sunday. Mom's making her normal huge meal and everyone and thier sister will be at my house... and they're dying eggs and probably doing an egg hunt, mainly for little John. and I'm eating mcdonalds, writing on xanga, and trying to motivate myself to write my two columns due today... while hearing top design on in the background. i'm nto... upset. i mean i'd love to be at home -- hear all the noise, sit around and laugh about ridiculous things wtih my brother and john... dye eggs.. .that was always my favorite part of easter.... open my easter basket. i miss these things. but it's not so much that im really upset that i'm not at home, it's more that i can't help but wonder what HE'S doing. i mean, he doesnt really have any family around him either... at least any that he communicates with, as far as i know. is he eating something gross like mcdonalds and watching mind-numbing tv? is he out walking around sunny florida? is he at the beach? sitting in his room... or whatever it is he has?

lately he's been in my thoughts so much. all my life i've rolled my eyes when people do the "oh i'm so sorry" pity thing when they find out i've never met him because i've never cared. it's always seemed bizarre to me how unaffected i've been. but maybe it has just taken me longer than others to figure out that i really missed out on something. how different would my life be if i had known him? if i had had some sort of father? would i be so crazy in relationships? would i trust men more? eric told me that i have trust issues, and i laughed. i thought he was just teasing me about being scared of him flipping me while we were dancing; i didnt think he was serious. then he said it again, and i realized that not noly was he serious... he's right. i had no idea. it made so many things that i do in relationsihps make so much more sense.

i'm exhausted. kind of hungover. and way too full of grease. but i had fun last night. i needed to get away from lincoln, even if it was just for a night. ellie's boyfriend andy and his friend dave took the two of us out. we played pool and darts and foosball at this bar... and it was nice. different and nice.

dave hit on me. a lot. and we slept on this pull out couch bed thing. all night i had been joking with ellie and andy about how long its been since i've had sex. how much i'm going crazy. then when i was fallign asleep and dave kissed me and i didn't really reciprocate anything, i know he was probably like... what the hell. i mean, how much, especially lately, i've said no confuses even me, frankly. people say i'm just all talk, but that's not true, either. i'm not a prude and i also dont feel the need to sleep with everyone that tries to. i just... i feel like there are parts of what i learned growing up that will never leave me, and the more time goes on, the more i'm okay with that. i dont need to be in a relationship to sleep with someone; i dont need to be in love. but i do have to be okay with it. just because i know in theory im okay with women sleeping with whomever they want to, whenver they want to, it doesnt mean that i HAVE to do that. i am okay with it. and when i'm in a situation with someone where i want to say yes, i will. until then i guess i really won't care whether they're confused or not. 

bleeh. i'm done rambling.

work to do....

dirt off the shoulder.

Dream dream dream dream dream summer.

st. patty greatness

Some drinks, some flirting, some green, some cleaning, some friends, some partying, some food... it was a fantastic day. Everything I needed without knowing I needed it. And red heads...... who knew...

this one has me ridiculously confused. it's a first... and i dont think i like it...